For one, i am too full and this has prevented me from sleeping.
Anyway beside that,
I think i've been a bit tad to bitchy lately. Maybe i'm reverting back to my sarcastic days.
Does not seem so bad but why is does feel like i'm going to regret it?
Probably because of stress i hope?
Since my exams are coming in 3 days time and i've yet to get any substantial amount of studying done.
Hmmmm since i can't sleep even when i want to, maybe i should reflect on my life a little over here.
1. I have definitely learn to act more carelessly around people. I don't do much second takes or think about much about how i should behave in public and i go on to say or do what i want these days. It is hard to say where this change came from. Was it gradual? or did it happen only in these past few weeks? Or maybe i should not generalize as of yet. Since i can't really exactly tell how i'm behaving around people. But i know for sure, getting older by the years does make me less shy of a person (good or bad? that is another story).
2. I think people around have to realize this:
- When i treat you like crap, ie i call you name and then proceed to do something you ask of me. I like you.
-When i refuse to tell you anything when you ask me what is wrong. 2 possibilities.
I either don't trust you or i trust you too much that you will take it as ur own.
- When i rmb some nonsensical stuffs about you that you don't expect out of me. I like you.
- When i rarely look at you but i still think of you (and you don't know). I like you.
- When i do stupid things with you or am willing to look stupid to others. I like you.
- When i walk beside you even when you are stupid looking. I like you.
- When i say you are crazy and i am laughing hard. I like you.
- When i unconsciously or consciously smack you. I like you.
- When i scream and yell that i am unhappy or annoyed at you. I Love you.
- When i throw stuffs at you when you try to talk to me. I Love you.
- When i don't talk to you even if its my fault. I Love you.
- When you give me something i like and i throw it back at you. I adore you.
- When you offer me something and i go a big round to refuse. I adore you.
* If i have been nothing but nice to you even when you annoy me, put me down, frame me or any other hurtful things. I dislike you!
* If i have always smile at you or nodding at you even when i think my mood is bad. I dislike you.
* If i seen you and use to talk to you but do not anymore as friends. I don't know you. anymore.
* If one day i went against you or spread malicious truths or heck even lies about you. I was never your friend and you must have been dislike by me. Read the above 3 *
* Plain simple, if i don't look at you, don't talk you and don't know you. I don't know you and don't intend too.
------->> If i don't look at you, don't talk you but i know you. Maybe i have feelings for you. oh you got to be a male at this point.
*********what is the point of this? i have no idea.... random! gosh!
3. I think i found a 3rd family haha or issit 4th? lol But it may all be superficial? how long can it last? will it be the same after it all ends? Is it just another facade we put on to get along? questions..... do i want to know the answer?
I think i know the answer. As much as i am enjoying me time there. I can't help to feel that i will not be able to receive enough to say that this is for life.
Indeed i will remember and treasure every single moments. But aren't moments meant to be memories. And what are memories but things left behind? we'll all need to grow up and i don't see me bringing any of those memories with me to the future and making it part of my life. Even if i want to, there won't be a chance.
4. I need to reconnect with my little shorty, hardcore and thinks is fat. That is actually 3 person. Somehow lately, it has all been scattered over and we need to get the pieces back.
5. I still don't want to get pass 18! I wish i was 18 forever.....peter pan anyone?
6. I still think i don't have the capability to love another person other than my already existing family and friends. I am definately not ready to get into another relationship. I found it to be traumatising when i cannot live up to fulfillments.
Is it me or what? Ok fine i think the problem lies in me. I go in with expectations, an image. Then when i realise it does not work this way, i get dissapointed and lose interest.
So tell me
- Am i suppose to change my views about relationships (which i don't really have any).
- Am i suppose to wait for the guy that will fit my world/expectations?
7.Okay i am getting sleepy already. I guess that is all for now.
Everything is so irrelevant right now.