Things said to me this month:

1. When you give and yet receive so little in return, why bother?
 - Because i have no choice. Obligations are prioritized against personally wants. The people beside you do not have to know it was all done under the name of obligations. It makes them a little happier.

2. I pity you, i know the reason for my failure, but why you?
- I don't want to give excuses. I did not want it enough. I did not put in enough. It an anticipated failure. Who likes to fail? Not me, but this time, I had to put my hands up and surrender.

3. Have you take a look in the mirror recently? You look out of it.
- I don't understand. As far as i am concerned, my mental and physical state are synchronized. Might not be fantastic but at least i am okay. No i am not depressed. I just need more time alone.

4. How much of your life do you want to share?
- My dear friend who asked me this.... is not my life already not wholly mine? You should have a talk with friend number 1. Obligations in life are crippling.
Then again it might all be excuses.

5. Where do you want to go for a vacation?
- Where do i get to start and end?

6. Balance is always there. You just need to find out which in life is heavier and balance it against the lighter. It is like taking the pros and cons of each turn of event, weighing it out and making sure you take the heavier(cons) ones head on. Then you'll only need to worry about your shortcomings. Leave the pros as it is. It will manifest itself to greater heights as you work on overcoming your obstacles. Grow not just as a person but with the people and environment surrounding you.
- Ahhh always...easier said than done. I could motivate myself daily and read a thousand quotes a day. To execute it? I think i'll read more. And yes i read enough to say that to myself. That was something said to me by me.

7. You cannot choose your room based on something so trivial like how you cannot get the view from your window. It is not the view from your window that makes your room more valuable. It is your point of view that makes it valuable. If you stand and continue looking out the window and blaming the location of your room. Why not take a change and move away for a better view next door. Come back and reflect and continue the cycle in a different direction each day. There, you'll have the best views in life.
- Hahaha thanks... but i am still insisting on the room with the nice river view.

8. How have you been lately?
- I am doing fine. Really. If only you don't have to ask me that. Can't you see?

9. What is your main reason for learning the piano?
- It keeps me sane. It beats watching a movie. The piano understands my touch more than anyone and respond to it as how i see fit. However, it reminds me, no matter how much i want something to sound the way i want it to. There are always something...that little something that makes it flawed. My emotions are flawed and that is how the characters in a piece comes out. Reflecting a work of a master infused with my own take on it. Never perfect, but always responsive.

10. How far will you want to go? In what?
- I don't know. Honestly i wish i knew. from day 1 what i always wanted. It is still vague and blurry. Heyy can i come back to you in 2 years time? I hope i will be able to tell you then. Until then, please check up on me. I appreciate it.

* Now if only i could answer all this at those moments they were posted. Not like the owners of the questions will ever get to read this. I'm not too worried.
I am really contented.
But contentment do not get anyone far. It paralyzes me and for that reason i fear it.
No, i do not want to be contented. Not now.

I'm sitting in Old Town White Coffee shop right now.
Suppose to finish up some of my drawings for ART111 class.
However i rather be typing some nonsensical ramblings.

Random points:
1. Its good that this is not a public blog. At least i'm not pressured to update every other  day. Haha i could also leave this blog unattended for a year right?

2. The amount of information i let out here....sighh...i guess anyone that is close to me can put 1 and 1 together to figure out this out.

3. I'm very unhappy at myself --- it seems like i've been taking things a little too easy. I have yet to start panicking for my mid terms. I seem to have this...just because i have only 3 subjects hence i can relax as much mentality. Oh and also... since i am stepping down from my post soon...hence...omg i'm already letting go so much when i am suppose to be giving it all until the end =.=

4. I am very very very good at being mean when i need to.

5. And i don't feel guilty even when i should......its NOT my fault =P

6. I am spending more money than i should recently....how?

7. I have a current obsession....okay fine.... not obsession...more like ummm infatuation? hahaha right.... it is a.....MALE.....weeeeee.........he is so damn pretty...i'm ashamed to be a female at this point. I should shoot myself.

8. I shall put photos of him next time haha

9. By now... people should KNOW that i like pretty boys with sharp straight nose.... =.= go ahead call me a 'geek' hahaha since i read alot of mangas too......

10. Did i mention i like them to be tall....like at least 178cm....bleh... this post turns out to be my 'dream' guy post....NOTE....i don't say my ideal type....i'm in half dream world.

11. I hereby christened my dream/relax/abbot/alone realm ----> LALA LAND
don't ask me why LALA? this is all random =P

12. Okay my laptop battery has that work in progress warning sign.
This is all for now......

okbyemystomachisnotfeelingwell

I've told you from the start.
This time i can clearly wash the blame off me.
It was always only you.
I have no guilt.
I did nothing to deserve any attention.
I was merely being myself.
You should have known better.
Besides that, i don't understand why.
I did not lead anyone on.
Don't read too much into something.
I never said i was a nice person.

Now if you would excuse me, I'll continue things as they always were.

---

Random thoughts:

1. It is embarrassing, but i like guys with sharp nose. period.
2. How much of our life do we actually own? In terms of the obligations we choose, the expectations we have to fulfill and other mundane things like what to have for dinner?
3. Why am i still awake?
4. Why do i have no feelings... in terms of wanting a relationship? JADED? can't be i'm only 22.
5. I want to try being a guy for a week... ha ha ha

okbyeigosleep

I have decided to work!
Well part time at least.

I am going to step out of my comfort zone for once!
Hah! All for the sake of money.....that i don't urgently need...but hey money is good and it is a motivator lalalala call me shallow.

Thats it, nothing much to update.
Oh yah my birthday celebration was good.
Simple dinner with family. Well not simple but simple enough.
Nice quiet Japanese Restaurant. Slices of cakes. Happy and Contented.

Dumb post ahead.

i am suppose to be writing a critical analysis on marketing cases....

Due date? tomorrow morning at 8.30am!

Progress? nil

Reason? Because i am too damn lazy to write when i can speak better.

Solution? No idea. Contemplating going into class minus the assignment in hand.

Discussion? I must be mad.

okbye

---

p.s - i feel like putting up my profile and all on the blog... yet i am lazy.... zzzzz

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.


Try it:
Take the quiz!

I turn 22 today. Looking back, 22 years is a very short road. I'm lucky compared to many out there who has to go through 22 years of long hardship.
I appreciate what i have up till now. Friends that stands up for me, family that loves me unconditionally, occasional ups and downs that strengthens me, coming across various people that shapes who i am today.
I remember, few years back, i wrote a post... either in my diary or somewhere.
I did not need friends.
How wrong was i.
Friends whether close or not (occasional hie-bye friends) are life's necessity.
From learning to gain friend, i learn how to lose friends.
and from learning to lose a friend, I learn that losing a friend is one of the best way to gain another. Behind the facade of certain friends, i've found the real definition of a friend (which are limitless).
I believe that in order to find part of myself, i've depended on my friends. Each and everyone of them with their little quirks adds the colors to my life and the personality i have now.

A best friend who enjoys giving me ups and downs (in a good way) made me a more flexible person. I've learn that gives and takes are never in an equilibrium. But when its come to calculating who receives more, it never does matter. Because good things always come in the smallest form. Whether a little short random message to tease me or asking how my day is makes up for the big things we disagree on or the days where she pushes the limit of my patience. I'm grateful that she allows me to sit back and relax in her company. Giving me the chance to be the ultimate lazy me when i'm with her XD. She knows how much of a bummer i am. Well at least she knows when i need a kick in the ass to start moving and get things done!

Uni best friend ('S' you know who you are!) you are the one who makes me fat! shares the same birthday month and horoscope! yes YOU! haha.
Thanks for always listening to my dull crap, lame ass jokes, verbal vomit of rantings and so much more. Thanks for always letting me freeload at your place.
Did you know, i've always enjoy staying over ur place and watching movies till the wee hour? It made up for the childhood or teenage years which i was deprived of all this girly times. I love how i can hang out with you and just be myself. Doing silly stuffs like random dances or videos just for the heck of it.... heyy do you think we will be youtube stars one day? hahaha please spare me the agony! I'll always be wishing you success at whatever you NEED to do in life! Hahaha remember...we still wanna 'tumpang glamour' ya!

My Butter Group! Hahahaha what can i say? We eat, we steal, we love, we sing, we just live life as we see fit! How can i not love you people. Thanks! (well they won't be reading this. but i'll say my thanks anyway) Each individuals with their own traits. What do you get when you put a few 'ordinary' people together? You get a dose of extra ordinary people ( hahaha forgive me...i'm laughing at my own lame joke) Anyway Butter On! Spread the love   B-)

I cannot not thank this bunch! Bunch of people that belongs to a room in the corner of the Uni cafeteria.
Tell me a year ago that i would fall in love with that room....NO WAY!!!
 I will never EVER get along with those people. OMG what am to do? i think there will be a communication break down... definitely!
Fast forward... i got to eat my own words. I've learned to adore them. Each and everyone of them with their own brand of craziness.
Fact is, despite me complaining about the noise in there and the level of maturity,
It a place i can actually de-stress in after a day of classes and bitchy lecturers.
Oh its also my personal gym! wrestling is good for health and mind! I kid you not.
So thank you for making me bring out my inner child!

Lastly, to 3 special new individuals. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Stomach pain! Thats what you give me! Abs? how to get them? Join them for a day out. Laughter therapy. However, bring in the few laments i have and they will willingly listen and suggest funny solutions but workable. You don't know how grateful i am for your company and those 'shoot those words straight into my heart' attitude you guys have. I am very very thankful for the straightforwardness! it hurts but it makes me realise alot of things. Silliness or seriousness.

Wait...what about my family? I don't think i need to thank them here. It will take a lifetime for me to write that. Suffice to say, we're a family. And i love them the most.

Why did i write such a looooong boring post just to satisfy my own finger typing craving? Who knows... maybe growing up makes me think more.
Maybe growing up, birthdays are not about the presents.. Its about counting the blessing i've received in life and being appreciative of them.
After all, counting blessings are like receiving gifts. Only they don't come in one big lump on a day. They are just disguised in every single possible ways.
You just need to look out for it.
Best things in life don't have expiry dates. Its ALWAYS the thoughts that counts.

p.s - the above post is FILLED with grammar mistakes and spelling errors. never admitted to have good command of English. So don't go all English Officer on me
hahaha XD

---

A song (with no melody yet....well i forgot the melody...don't ask... it was impromptu).
Dedicated to my FRIENDS!

Along The Lines

We started out at the piano, Undecided
What are we to do here?
She stroke a key and urge us to start
With nothing in mind
We tried to gather our thoughts

We'll find a way,
Together we'll put thoughts onto paper to music,
So for now, Just
Let it out, Just
Let it out
Maybe somewhere along the lines,
It'll all come together, our journey, our lives.

Friends by our side,
Encouragement we have plenty. Urges to sing on with melody provided.
We don't have to care about the flow,
Its all fun and love for what we do,
And so

We'll find a way,
Together we'll put thoughts onto paper to music,
So for now, Just
Let it out, Just
Let it out
Maybe somewhere along the lines,
It'll all come together, our journey, our lives.

The days after graduation, all those times we had,
We'll look back and ponder as we walk through our memories,
Bringing forward our hopes and dreams
Little things of joys and love.
It has been there all alone, this tune of familiarity,
Along the lines of friendship.

For now,
We'll find a way,
Together we'll put thoughts onto paper to music,
So for now, Just
Let it out, Just
Let it out
Maybe somewhere along the lines,
It'll all come together, our journey, our lives.
Along the lines of friendship.

Written by me!

Hellooo world......well if there is a world here.

I was going to update after finally regaining my password...BUT the internet had to be horrible and eat up my nicely typed post....pfffftttt

Oh well what can i do? Let me just update a lil' on my past week/weeks?

But i don't feel like updating now.
Maybe i'll write down the song i wrote the other day in college. Hmmmm why? cause we had to freaking wait 4 hours before an event start and there was a piano there.
So why not..... A friend got on the piano and she played and i sang.
Whats the melody again? I forgot...we forgot... all i remembered...I had Fun.
It was sufficient.

Till next time.

I wrote this. Haha funny

What is there left to say.
I guess my best was not enough.
Suffice to say, I've let myself down yet again.
I need to think harder and put things into motion, action.

Anyway,

Today was an alright day. Reach college early in the morning. Got into room and it was peaceful and quiet. Human free... except from the few chat windows i have open. Otherwise it was just me and my music.
I was actually planning to do some reflection and have some own time there. Thinking about directions and generally what to do next.
I estimated i had about 2 solid hours of alone time until my friend came to claim his food.
There is was enjoying myself.
*** I wonder have they ever notice that during the course of me planning out the duty roster, i've always put my name alone... I like being alone for some time.

Back to the story of how i got my headache and extreme fatigue!
So in came a girl,
Who raped my phone,
Who also hijacked my laptop,
Who also invaded my privacy,
------------------ sigh--------------------
And so on.
.....................................................
In came 2 guys.....one who literally stuck my finger into his god forsaken mouth!
Does he have NO respect? And to think i am his senior.
Darn it! I hate close proximity and that was atrocious!
-------------------may god bless you------------------------

Get this,
They probably think i am not mad.

But i am ANNOYED!

Read my last post?
If i am always nice even when you annoy or irritate me....it means i don't think much of you..... keep it up and i might just despise you. =.=

Unless you are mean to me, and i retaliate then i see you as a friend. Some one i value that i think you deserve to know that i want this friendship to last. So don't do that!

So for today,
I don't know what i am typing here.
It does not really make sense.
Wait it does.
I'm actually just complaining that my supposedly peaceful day turned noisy.

However, I shall give credits to my friend that came to accompany me even when he has no class. Thanks. But you are lifeless anyway... class or no class...... you have nothing to do at home hahaha!

So that concludes my very very very very mundane day.
Oh yah
I am emo-ing
I hate my results!
Don't tell me its okay.
I know it is not.

toodles

I can't seem to pinpoint my mood now.

For one, i am too full and this has prevented me from sleeping.

Anyway beside that,
I think i've been a bit tad to bitchy lately. Maybe i'm reverting back to my sarcastic days.
Does not seem so bad but why is does feel like i'm going to regret it?
Probably because of stress i hope?
Since my exams are coming in 3 days time and i've yet to get any substantial amount of studying done.

Hmmmm since i can't sleep even when i want to, maybe i should reflect on my life a little over here.

1. I have definitely learn to act more carelessly around people. I don't do much second takes or think about much about how i should behave in public and i go on to say or do what i want these days. It is hard to say where this change came from. Was it gradual? or did it happen only in these past few weeks? Or maybe i should not generalize as of yet. Since i can't really exactly tell how i'm behaving around people. But i know for sure, getting older by the years does make me less shy of a person (good or bad? that is another story).

2. I think people around have to realize this:
- When i treat you like crap, ie i call you name and then proceed to do something you ask of me. I like you.
-When i refuse to tell you anything when you ask me what is wrong. 2 possibilities.
I either don't trust you or i trust you too much that you will take it as ur own.
- When i rmb some nonsensical stuffs about you that you don't expect out of me. I like you.
- When i rarely look at you but i still think of you (and you don't know). I like you.
- When i do stupid things with you or am willing to look stupid to others. I like you.
- When i walk beside you even when you are stupid looking. I like you.
- When i say you are crazy and i am laughing hard. I like you.
- When i unconsciously or consciously smack you. I like you.
- When i scream and yell that i am unhappy or annoyed at you. I Love you.
- When i throw stuffs at you when you try to talk to me. I Love you.
- When i don't talk to you even if its my fault. I Love you.
- When you give me something i like and i throw it back at you. I adore you.
- When you offer me something and i go a big round to refuse. I adore you.

* If i have been nothing but nice to you even when you annoy me, put me down, frame me or any other hurtful things. I dislike you!
* If i have always smile at you or nodding at you even when i think my mood is bad. I dislike you.
* If i seen you and use to talk to you but do not anymore as friends. I don't know you. anymore.
* If one day i went against you or spread malicious truths or heck even lies about you. I was never your friend and you must have been dislike by me. Read the above 3 *
* Plain simple, if i don't look at you, don't talk you and don't know you. I don't know you and don't intend too.

------->> If i don't look at you, don't talk you but i know you. Maybe i have feelings for you. oh you got to be a male at this point.

*********what is the point of this? i have no idea.... random! gosh!

3. I think i found a 3rd family haha or issit 4th? lol But it may all be superficial? how long can it last? will it be the same after it all ends? Is it just another facade we put on to get along? questions..... do i want to know the answer?
I think i know the answer. As much as i am enjoying me time there. I can't help to feel that i will not be able to receive enough to say that this is for life.
Indeed i will remember and treasure every single moments. But aren't moments meant to be memories. And what are memories but things left behind? we'll all need to grow up and i don't see me bringing any of those memories with me to the future and making it part of my life. Even if i want to, there won't be a chance.

4. I need to reconnect with my little shorty, hardcore and thinks is fat. That is actually 3 person. Somehow lately, it has all been scattered over and we need to get the pieces back.

5. I still don't want to get pass 18! I wish i was 18 forever.....peter pan anyone?

6. I still think i don't have the capability to love another person other than my already existing family and friends. I am definately not ready to get into another relationship. I found it to be traumatising when i cannot live up to fulfillments.
Is it me or what? Ok fine i think the problem lies in me. I go in with expectations, an image. Then when i realise it does not work this way, i get dissapointed and lose interest.
So tell me
- Am i suppose to change my views about relationships (which i don't really have any).
- Am i suppose to wait for the guy that will fit my world/expectations?

7.Okay i am getting sleepy already. I guess that is all for now.


Everything is so irrelevant right now.