Knowing myself, narcissistic and sometimes egoistic...
I felt like i was betrayed for not being informed...
It is not that it matters to me what happened or the process of it..
Just that..i wish i was at least notify and i could at least have wished or something.
Oh well..its a good sign anyway, that way, It has been cleared for good.

---

This is when i go:

IT IS ALMOST END OF NOVEMBER!
which means...December is near and so is Two Thousand and Ten.
If i don't breath... will the time stop?
It is passing by too fast... I have yet to do or accomplish many things.
Even simple tasks like getting sending more greetings or saying more i love you to the parents are left unchecked.
Guess it is time to have some self reflection and summation of 2009.

---

Question:
Why is it that i always long for something that needs a lot of effort which most likely becomes futile? The more i want it, the more it becomes further. The more into reality i want to stand yet the more my instincts tell me, bring your dreams into reality. So tell me, am i suppose to wake up? And if i do wake up can i deal with reality? Could it be that when i have the courage to face reality, i can be in charged of my dreams?

---

Tell me,
I need to disconnect.
 

Have you seen me recently?

Unusually scattered!

Ever thought that leaping backward takes you forward?

Unimaginative thoughts!

Why is it that we question so much yet close off most of it?

My utterly selfish ego satisfying moments!

Wonder where does the railway track in your mind leads to?

Let me go dream about it!

Good night!

Ah. I'm going crazy.
Dancing to Love Like This.
Oh no, now i feel like crying.
And laughing at my own stupidity.
Dancing to this infectious song.
Ah. I'm really out of it.
If i can decipher why.
I'll deserve a Nobel price.
Help, no one can.
Ah. I'm going crazy.
Snickering at myself.
Maybe when i read this tomorrow.
I will hit the wall.
Now a new song is stuck in my head.
Tomorrow tomorrow......
Ah. I forgot the lyrics.
Oh no.
Now let us all give thank
This blog is unknown of.
Ah. I'm still going crazy!
I think i need a night out.
But i need more time ALONE!
Ah. I'm going crazy.
Ohhh yeah...this is lovely
Love....LY Transformation!
Wooohoooooo

Hmmmm sometimes i wonder
What really goes on in my mind
Hellooooo is there too many people inside?
I need you
You need you
So come let it out
I love myself!

Ah. Why males think females are complicated.
Well let me explain!
Read the top!
The insider tip!
How a female mind works!
It is just LIKE THAT!
Wooohooo SIMPLE!
Give me my Nobel Price now now now.

Lalalalalala Love
You know you'll love like this
One love...lalalalalalalalalala
Love you know you'll love like this
True Love.......lalalalalala GIRL
Hey Hey!

Oh. I . Have. A. Thought!
Ah. I . Am . Not. Going . Crazy!
Wo. I . AM. CRAZY!

-Now leave me alone-

I locked myself up in the bathroom...staring at the mirror...thinking.....
Hmmmm my face should be in Vogue......... LMAO
Of course......
I was not wearing my Spectacles.....
And
The mirror was foggy from the shower steam......
And
I was half awake.

So there you go.....
This is what goes on inside.

Love love love like this!
No doubts....I love myself

-Now leave me alone-

Things said to me this month:

1. When you give and yet receive so little in return, why bother?
 - Because i have no choice. Obligations are prioritized against personally wants. The people beside you do not have to know it was all done under the name of obligations. It makes them a little happier.

2. I pity you, i know the reason for my failure, but why you?
- I don't want to give excuses. I did not want it enough. I did not put in enough. It an anticipated failure. Who likes to fail? Not me, but this time, I had to put my hands up and surrender.

3. Have you take a look in the mirror recently? You look out of it.
- I don't understand. As far as i am concerned, my mental and physical state are synchronized. Might not be fantastic but at least i am okay. No i am not depressed. I just need more time alone.

4. How much of your life do you want to share?
- My dear friend who asked me this.... is not my life already not wholly mine? You should have a talk with friend number 1. Obligations in life are crippling.
Then again it might all be excuses.

5. Where do you want to go for a vacation?
- Where do i get to start and end?

6. Balance is always there. You just need to find out which in life is heavier and balance it against the lighter. It is like taking the pros and cons of each turn of event, weighing it out and making sure you take the heavier(cons) ones head on. Then you'll only need to worry about your shortcomings. Leave the pros as it is. It will manifest itself to greater heights as you work on overcoming your obstacles. Grow not just as a person but with the people and environment surrounding you.
- Ahhh always...easier said than done. I could motivate myself daily and read a thousand quotes a day. To execute it? I think i'll read more. And yes i read enough to say that to myself. That was something said to me by me.

7. You cannot choose your room based on something so trivial like how you cannot get the view from your window. It is not the view from your window that makes your room more valuable. It is your point of view that makes it valuable. If you stand and continue looking out the window and blaming the location of your room. Why not take a change and move away for a better view next door. Come back and reflect and continue the cycle in a different direction each day. There, you'll have the best views in life.
- Hahaha thanks... but i am still insisting on the room with the nice river view.

8. How have you been lately?
- I am doing fine. Really. If only you don't have to ask me that. Can't you see?

9. What is your main reason for learning the piano?
- It keeps me sane. It beats watching a movie. The piano understands my touch more than anyone and respond to it as how i see fit. However, it reminds me, no matter how much i want something to sound the way i want it to. There are always something...that little something that makes it flawed. My emotions are flawed and that is how the characters in a piece comes out. Reflecting a work of a master infused with my own take on it. Never perfect, but always responsive.

10. How far will you want to go? In what?
- I don't know. Honestly i wish i knew. from day 1 what i always wanted. It is still vague and blurry. Heyy can i come back to you in 2 years time? I hope i will be able to tell you then. Until then, please check up on me. I appreciate it.

* Now if only i could answer all this at those moments they were posted. Not like the owners of the questions will ever get to read this. I'm not too worried.
I am really contented.
But contentment do not get anyone far. It paralyzes me and for that reason i fear it.
No, i do not want to be contented. Not now.

I'm sitting in Old Town White Coffee shop right now.
Suppose to finish up some of my drawings for ART111 class.
However i rather be typing some nonsensical ramblings.

Random points:
1. Its good that this is not a public blog. At least i'm not pressured to update every other  day. Haha i could also leave this blog unattended for a year right?

2. The amount of information i let out here....sighh...i guess anyone that is close to me can put 1 and 1 together to figure out this out.

3. I'm very unhappy at myself --- it seems like i've been taking things a little too easy. I have yet to start panicking for my mid terms. I seem to have this...just because i have only 3 subjects hence i can relax as much mentality. Oh and also... since i am stepping down from my post soon...hence...omg i'm already letting go so much when i am suppose to be giving it all until the end =.=

4. I am very very very good at being mean when i need to.

5. And i don't feel guilty even when i should......its NOT my fault =P

6. I am spending more money than i should recently....how?

7. I have a current obsession....okay fine.... not obsession...more like ummm infatuation? hahaha right.... it is a.....MALE.....weeeeee.........he is so damn pretty...i'm ashamed to be a female at this point. I should shoot myself.

8. I shall put photos of him next time haha

9. By now... people should KNOW that i like pretty boys with sharp straight nose.... =.= go ahead call me a 'geek' hahaha since i read alot of mangas too......

10. Did i mention i like them to be tall....like at least 178cm....bleh... this post turns out to be my 'dream' guy post....NOTE....i don't say my ideal type....i'm in half dream world.

11. I hereby christened my dream/relax/abbot/alone realm ----> LALA LAND
don't ask me why LALA? this is all random =P

12. Okay my laptop battery has that work in progress warning sign.
This is all for now......

okbyemystomachisnotfeelingwell

I've told you from the start.
This time i can clearly wash the blame off me.
It was always only you.
I have no guilt.
I did nothing to deserve any attention.
I was merely being myself.
You should have known better.
Besides that, i don't understand why.
I did not lead anyone on.
Don't read too much into something.
I never said i was a nice person.

Now if you would excuse me, I'll continue things as they always were.

---

Random thoughts:

1. It is embarrassing, but i like guys with sharp nose. period.
2. How much of our life do we actually own? In terms of the obligations we choose, the expectations we have to fulfill and other mundane things like what to have for dinner?
3. Why am i still awake?
4. Why do i have no feelings... in terms of wanting a relationship? JADED? can't be i'm only 22.
5. I want to try being a guy for a week... ha ha ha

okbyeigosleep

I have decided to work!
Well part time at least.

I am going to step out of my comfort zone for once!
Hah! All for the sake of money.....that i don't urgently need...but hey money is good and it is a motivator lalalala call me shallow.

Thats it, nothing much to update.
Oh yah my birthday celebration was good.
Simple dinner with family. Well not simple but simple enough.
Nice quiet Japanese Restaurant. Slices of cakes. Happy and Contented.

Dumb post ahead.

i am suppose to be writing a critical analysis on marketing cases....

Due date? tomorrow morning at 8.30am!

Progress? nil

Reason? Because i am too damn lazy to write when i can speak better.

Solution? No idea. Contemplating going into class minus the assignment in hand.

Discussion? I must be mad.

okbye

---

p.s - i feel like putting up my profile and all on the blog... yet i am lazy.... zzzzz

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.


Try it:
Take the quiz!

I turn 22 today. Looking back, 22 years is a very short road. I'm lucky compared to many out there who has to go through 22 years of long hardship.
I appreciate what i have up till now. Friends that stands up for me, family that loves me unconditionally, occasional ups and downs that strengthens me, coming across various people that shapes who i am today.
I remember, few years back, i wrote a post... either in my diary or somewhere.
I did not need friends.
How wrong was i.
Friends whether close or not (occasional hie-bye friends) are life's necessity.
From learning to gain friend, i learn how to lose friends.
and from learning to lose a friend, I learn that losing a friend is one of the best way to gain another. Behind the facade of certain friends, i've found the real definition of a friend (which are limitless).
I believe that in order to find part of myself, i've depended on my friends. Each and everyone of them with their little quirks adds the colors to my life and the personality i have now.

A best friend who enjoys giving me ups and downs (in a good way) made me a more flexible person. I've learn that gives and takes are never in an equilibrium. But when its come to calculating who receives more, it never does matter. Because good things always come in the smallest form. Whether a little short random message to tease me or asking how my day is makes up for the big things we disagree on or the days where she pushes the limit of my patience. I'm grateful that she allows me to sit back and relax in her company. Giving me the chance to be the ultimate lazy me when i'm with her XD. She knows how much of a bummer i am. Well at least she knows when i need a kick in the ass to start moving and get things done!

Uni best friend ('S' you know who you are!) you are the one who makes me fat! shares the same birthday month and horoscope! yes YOU! haha.
Thanks for always listening to my dull crap, lame ass jokes, verbal vomit of rantings and so much more. Thanks for always letting me freeload at your place.
Did you know, i've always enjoy staying over ur place and watching movies till the wee hour? It made up for the childhood or teenage years which i was deprived of all this girly times. I love how i can hang out with you and just be myself. Doing silly stuffs like random dances or videos just for the heck of it.... heyy do you think we will be youtube stars one day? hahaha please spare me the agony! I'll always be wishing you success at whatever you NEED to do in life! Hahaha remember...we still wanna 'tumpang glamour' ya!

My Butter Group! Hahahaha what can i say? We eat, we steal, we love, we sing, we just live life as we see fit! How can i not love you people. Thanks! (well they won't be reading this. but i'll say my thanks anyway) Each individuals with their own traits. What do you get when you put a few 'ordinary' people together? You get a dose of extra ordinary people ( hahaha forgive me...i'm laughing at my own lame joke) Anyway Butter On! Spread the love   B-)

I cannot not thank this bunch! Bunch of people that belongs to a room in the corner of the Uni cafeteria.
Tell me a year ago that i would fall in love with that room....NO WAY!!!
 I will never EVER get along with those people. OMG what am to do? i think there will be a communication break down... definitely!
Fast forward... i got to eat my own words. I've learned to adore them. Each and everyone of them with their own brand of craziness.
Fact is, despite me complaining about the noise in there and the level of maturity,
It a place i can actually de-stress in after a day of classes and bitchy lecturers.
Oh its also my personal gym! wrestling is good for health and mind! I kid you not.
So thank you for making me bring out my inner child!

Lastly, to 3 special new individuals. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Stomach pain! Thats what you give me! Abs? how to get them? Join them for a day out. Laughter therapy. However, bring in the few laments i have and they will willingly listen and suggest funny solutions but workable. You don't know how grateful i am for your company and those 'shoot those words straight into my heart' attitude you guys have. I am very very thankful for the straightforwardness! it hurts but it makes me realise alot of things. Silliness or seriousness.

Wait...what about my family? I don't think i need to thank them here. It will take a lifetime for me to write that. Suffice to say, we're a family. And i love them the most.

Why did i write such a looooong boring post just to satisfy my own finger typing craving? Who knows... maybe growing up makes me think more.
Maybe growing up, birthdays are not about the presents.. Its about counting the blessing i've received in life and being appreciative of them.
After all, counting blessings are like receiving gifts. Only they don't come in one big lump on a day. They are just disguised in every single possible ways.
You just need to look out for it.
Best things in life don't have expiry dates. Its ALWAYS the thoughts that counts.

p.s - the above post is FILLED with grammar mistakes and spelling errors. never admitted to have good command of English. So don't go all English Officer on me
hahaha XD

---

A song (with no melody yet....well i forgot the melody...don't ask... it was impromptu).
Dedicated to my FRIENDS!

Along The Lines

We started out at the piano, Undecided
What are we to do here?
She stroke a key and urge us to start
With nothing in mind
We tried to gather our thoughts

We'll find a way,
Together we'll put thoughts onto paper to music,
So for now, Just
Let it out, Just
Let it out
Maybe somewhere along the lines,
It'll all come together, our journey, our lives.

Friends by our side,
Encouragement we have plenty. Urges to sing on with melody provided.
We don't have to care about the flow,
Its all fun and love for what we do,
And so

We'll find a way,
Together we'll put thoughts onto paper to music,
So for now, Just
Let it out, Just
Let it out
Maybe somewhere along the lines,
It'll all come together, our journey, our lives.

The days after graduation, all those times we had,
We'll look back and ponder as we walk through our memories,
Bringing forward our hopes and dreams
Little things of joys and love.
It has been there all alone, this tune of familiarity,
Along the lines of friendship.

For now,
We'll find a way,
Together we'll put thoughts onto paper to music,
So for now, Just
Let it out, Just
Let it out
Maybe somewhere along the lines,
It'll all come together, our journey, our lives.
Along the lines of friendship.

Written by me!