Dear Diary,

It has been ages since i last talked to you. I miss you.

Recently I've learnt why actions speaks louder than words.

Those actions, behaviors, are towards spiteful, it is heart wrenching.

I'll be lying to say i'm ok.

I've never felt so alone before.

Yes. NEVER.

Who is there to listen? They don't understand. Its okay.

I think it is my fault.

I don't think it is my fault.

It is okay, it has been done.

All that matters is, can it be overcome?

Take away that hole. Bye.

Hello world,

I am very much alive =)

Life is,
A bunch of daisies.
A few pots of cactus.
A big warm hand to hold mine.
A tight hug to reassure me.

Life is,
Filled with just enough caring friends,
People who are here to stay,
Those that work for things,
Laughing and crying together.

Life is,
Full of turning points,
Decisions to go over and follow through,
Breakable yet mend-able
Looking forward and thanking the past.

I'm cheering to my life ahead.
Whatever the challenges,
I am putting behind the darker shades,
For with me are the wide spectrum of auras,
In cantabile shall we celebrate,
The very fact that we are allowed to
live through the hundreds of emotions,
Cheers!

01.01.11

New Year.

Go.

The cupids had their bows and arrows ready that Christmas Night.
Its an overwhelming sense of warmth and happiness.
I never knew i could need some one so much and i never knew I could be needed this much.
We'll give in.
The walls are down.
And you chose a very good day, easy to remember anniversaries no?
We shall walk together.

---

Shall write up on 2010 in a post.

2011, I'm ready for you! errr... I hope hahaha

You know how a microwave works?
Yeah everything is like that now.
Looks and feels the same...but its all warm and nice inside.
Am not sorry for one single moment.
No doubts should come in between.
You worried not.
Thank you.

---

Tomorrow will be the last day of examination in accordance to my BSc. degree.
What comes after?
Lets go on a new ride =)
I promise it will be exciting.

Hello December.

What just happen?
Everything just flew by. Whisked away by time. And so did some of myself.
I tried to look back. Stop. Combing through the passage. Found none in return.

---

Dear diary,

Lets not use cryptic language today. I have an unchecked box before the year ends.
Let me get this box checked and done with.
I do not want to end the year with things unsaid. Especially to myself.
Sometimes i forgets that there are people i know reading here. Today will be one of those time.
So lets get started.

I wish corner:
Dear Big Man,

Have i not make you proud in any way?
I've always thought that we were all different and special in our own ways.
How is it that the words caught in my throat always stays there. Hard to swallow back, even harder to spew out.
Only you have the power the make or break me.
Always have and always will.
Even typing this out gives me the chills. Tell me exactly, how do i live up to your expectations? When will i get that look of approval?
The first is just there.
The last, without a doubt will be further away.
Me?
I know, there is much left to be desired.
There is no use for being sorry on both side. It is just the need for being understanding.
You claim i do not understand.
Yes i don't and i told you so.
You tried to make me understand. But i did not want to understand.
I wanted you to understand instead.
You said i am not appreciative and you felt left out.
I'm starting to feel like everything is my fault if that makes you any happier.

You probably think i've let you down, of paper chase and status.
Of what i want in life.
Of how i no longer talk about the finer materialistic things i could have.
Of how i no longer demand for the finest thing you can offer to me.
Of how my drive differs from the days where i was shallow minded.

Oh how i remember and how am i even suppose to forget.
Those silly dreams you in-doctrine into me at young age.
Where i'm suppose to go. How i'm suppose to grow up. The places i should be at.
I know, you are only thinking for the best. And still are.
But i request, for a moment.
Reflect, recall, do whatever you can.
What makes my face glow.
Why do i smile and laugh like there is not one worry in my world in those moments.
Where did that girl go to?
I miss her too. And i'm sure you do too.
These silent questions. Ask me! I beg of you.
I can't bring myself to tell you.
However i am very sure i can answer you.

I'm scared.
Terrified in fact.
Whats out there.
Result of being over sheltered.
You've done everything from the start. If you go on, when do i start for myself?
I should be able to jump at this point.
Yet you kept me grounded by providing soft mattresses, time after time.
Give me the chance to land on hard.
Don't you think its easier to jump higher from harder ground then from soft grounds?
Maybe its my fault we never got the chance to discuss the many pent up issues.
Or is it really only mine?
Tell me, your worries, maybe i can help you out.
Or what you are trying to tell me is that I am what you are worried about?

Please,
Its eating me up inside.
The one person who i need recognition from the most.
From what i think,
Thinks that i've not much in life to prove.
Its true,
there is nothing i can say i have achieve enough to convince you.

So in the end, maybe you are right.
I have nothing in hand.

Help me out from this. I can't do this alone anymore.
There are too many nights in a row.
Tell me i'm alright.
Convince me you are proud of me.
Will you walk beside me to guide me instead of pulling me on with a cord?
I swear i can stand up to the pressure by the world.
I might cry and break down, but i always get up.

But from here onwards,
You words,
I'm here. Warped inside.
My insides out. No where.
Lost. Confused.
You are probably right,
I'm in denial.
I'm probably the person with the lowest self esteem trying to prove otherwise.

So tell me, whats the next step?

Always loving,
A daughter.

If i were to self diagnose...i'll call it a case of mild depression.

Hey, at least i admit it...i'm not okay.

I thought i was after letting out...but that feeling seem stuck inside behind my throat.

I'm feeling a teeny weeny bit....insecure, incompetent and little little negative things...

No, its not event because of menstrual cycle...

Can i disappear? Vanish? Poof away?

Let me go.

I think you are more confused than i am.
At this point i've already know what i want and what i need.
At this point onwards, i believe that my wants and needs are converging, merging.

today, in conjunction with world women's day, my friend send me a message.

tequila: I'm a single woman
rum: I'm a touch and go woman
champagne: I'm an engaged woman
redbull: I'm a woman in a relationship
beer: I'm a married woman
vodka: I'm the "other one"
sprite: I'm a woman that can't find the right man
whisky: I'm a single woman but with friends that won't stop partying
liquor: I'm a woman that wishes she was single.
gin: I'm a woman that wants to get married

i would have to write what i think of my love relationship on my Facebook status.
Thing is what do i write?
which do i fall under?
Today you held my hands... briefly, but suffice to say...i still think you are confused!

and so, in the end...the irony of it all,
it was,
I'm a tequila - single woman
I'm a redbull - In a relationship
Whisky - single who parties with friends.


Yes technically i am still single. But mentally...all i think about is YOU...and i've made up my mind that i can be committed to you...if you can do the same.
And if all else fails.... screw this shit!
I will always have my trustee girls to party with ;p

And so, in the end, i still want you.
Colorful

I have a feeling in my stomach i do not know how to describe.
I am ultimately and severely confused by my own emotions.
Why do i have that sinking feeling thinking about it?
Why do i feel the bubbled up dread coming up my throat when you hold me that close?
I was trying so hard to hold my tears when you held on to my hands like you needed me.
Writing this, every single thought of mine filled with you, i just can't help but cry.
What is the meaning of this all?
Yesterday, you held me close.
Helpless and vulnerable, you kiss me on my forehead in the dark.
Sort of like reassuring me that everything is okay.
That you will be here forever, with me.
I think i know that feeling now.
Maybe its because i unconsciously know that 'colorful' is the term for that feeling in my stomach.
Its getting stronger each time, each moment, each day and it is with or without you by my side.
I'm afraid.
I'm conscious now. Those tears, are for myself. The what ifs.
What if i can't have you by my side
What if you can't be here forever
What if we are wrong
What if the world is against us
What if all we have is only a wish
What if i can never let us go
What if one day you realize you don't need me anymore
What if i can't tell you
I'd cry for you.
I take it all back, i'll fight. I'm determine.
Will you?
Because i don't want to deceive myself any longer.
Its always easier to say it then to hold it in.
Life is never going to be always happy but it will be wonderful when in life it is COLORFUL


Like never before.

---

Terrified
(Kara Dioguardi)

You by the light
Is the greatest find
In a world full of wrong
You're the thing that's right

Finally made it through the lonely
To the other side

You said it again
My heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watchin' the shadows burnin' in the dark

And I-I-I'm in love (I'm in love)
And I-I-I'm terrified
For the first time
And the last time
In my only life, life

This could be good
It's already better than that
And nothing's worse than knowing you're holding back

I could be all that you needed
If you let me try

You said it again
My heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watchin' the shadows burnin' in the dark

And I-I-I'm in love (I'm in love)
And I-I-I'm terrified
For the first time
And the last time
In my only life, life

I only said it
'Cause I mean it (ohhhh)
I only mean it
'Cause it's true (ohhhhh)

So don't you doubt
What i've been dreaming
'Cause it keeps me up
It holds me close
Whenever I'm without you

You said it again
My heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star o
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watchin' the shadows burnin' in the dark

And I-I-I'm in love (I'm in love)
And I-I-I'm terrified
For the first time
And the last time
In my only life, life

My parents are questioning.
No
Its better to say that my dad is insisting!
Even if what he says is true, so what?
I'm sorry i did not stand up for you.
I really am.
Sometimes i wonder if the bullshits i say out is really as i meant it to be.
At times...just at times....no, don't take my word for it.
I wish you've told me that it is not me.
So that i could walk away with a smile on my face thinking:
I told you so!
But at this point,
all i need is a way out.
Out to anywhere.
Away, from questions.
Nearer to answers.
How i wish they would stop asking. For i would like to know myself.
Some things are so much better left exclusively known to the involved.
The man was right.
Knowledge is power.
But let me put it this way,
perhaps the power to impart knowledge is an arbitrator. A dictator.

On a not so confusing and disconnected note,
Life is currently reaching another turning point.


Now,
Lets all go figure.
To turn or to go straight.